


Love Me For Life

by ladywrangler



Category: Nogizaka46 (Band)
Genre: BDSM, Drug Use, F/F, Strippers & Strip Clubs
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-13
Updated: 2019-12-03
Packaged: 2021-02-01 06:20:44
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,800
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21415159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladywrangler/pseuds/ladywrangler
Summary: It takes all of Nanase's willpower not to get tied up in Mai's past. But it's inevitable if she wants to stay by her side.
Relationships: Shiraishi Mai/Nishino Nanase
Comments: 13
Kudos: 25





	1. Professional

Nanase squints as vivid lights flickered over her head in the very instance that she enters the night club’s ground floor. As she turns to the receptionist, she hands her a card and waits as the woman hands it back to her, gesturing to hold out her arm.

Nanase stares as she had done this many times before–it was the same as always. But the days and feelings that went by as she continued to drop by, were different each time.

The security guard by the entrance gives her a nod as he opens the door for her–the sound of loud dance music, or rather _Poppipapapa_ strikes against her eardrums without warning. Nanase thanks him before entering the club.

She's used to the sight of women scantily cladded in luxurious lingerie sets–bits of clothing that were sitting on borderline scandalous, who swayed their hips, giving her a flirty wink or a little wiggle of their fingers, giggling as she passed by them.

She hardly winces at the sight of paper money fluttering around and hands raised up, liquor being poured and the sound of glasses clinking together in the air, sweaty bodies grinding up against each other, the stage monitors speakers booming against time and colorful neon lights dazzling the entire club’s interior–they're not what she's here for.

She comes to a stop as she found a spot for herself to settle down in the corner of the club. Her heartbeat thumps loudly when she notices the lights are slowly dimming down.

She steals a glance at her surroundings, though she knows that the audience are often new faces that come and go. The flow of money comes from all over, and certainly not from them. It’s when she notices a glass of carbonated water placed beside her elbow, that she looks to see a familiar one to her.

"You may as well drink something if you're watching her today as well." The sudden intrusion of the strip club owner surprises her, though she knows that the woman was sent by _her_.

A secret way of communication–that she’s aware that she’s here today as well.

Nanase gives her a small nod and mumbles her gratitude before turning her attention back to the main stage–the music was slowly phasing out from loud raving club mixes to a familiar sound of a jingle. The crowd around the stage begins to erupt in cheers as a figure in the shadows had finally stepped in–the sight of the signature black pumps with fiery red soles–Louboutins.

Nanase gulps just slightly enough that she doesn’t cough–the view of a woman dressed in a see through fabric that defined her voluminous figure that was enrobed by a black laced bodysuit who swiftly threw the crowd an blown kiss.

Cheers erupted again while the short haired woman keeps at bay, her eyes lingering on the star of the evening.

_Shiraishi Mai._

Nanase never thought that she would find herself longing for the older woman. Like many of the people in the audience who were emptying their wallets and savings for the sake of seeing Mai in action, Nanase knew that she wasn't an exception to this enchanting vixen.

There wasn't a difference between her and the men that were worshiping her, slaving away to spend their earnings at the club. The only thing that made her stood out from them, was the fact that she was a woman.

Her eyes trail down Mai's slender, yet sturdy and well-defined arms that held the strip pole gently, before slowly pulling herself up to make an iron X and into a flying spiral.

Nanase stared in amazement though she had seen it up close–over and over, like the others around her, she’d find herself mesmerized by the beauty of sheer strength and core power that was slowly being drawn out against the metal pole.

-

"Won't you give me a chance?" Nanase asks, disrupting the silence that Mai hoped to keep for the time being.

"You're pushing your luck here." Mai looks down at her manicure, seemingly uninterested in Nanase's infatuation with her. She turns her head away and focuses her view towards the outside of the car, knowing that Nanase was far too deep into her without realizing how dangerous it was.

Mai doesn't mind though, as Nanase has never crossed the line unlike the men that she allowed to take her out for a dinner date or shopping spree once in a while.

She prefers the type of people who rarely spoke and provided financial stability. It just so happens that Nanase managed to fit her criteria–except that she was a woman.

From the corner of her eyes, she can see Nanase's white knuckles from gripping onto her steering wheel tightly. She lets out a small sigh before turning her head back to the latter, hoping that the woman wouldn’t push her any further.

"You won't be able to change my mind. It's set in stone for me to stay alone. Forever."

Nanase frowns, knowing that Mai usually talks as if she were planning to die alone. She doesn't know what the older woman is hiding, nor does she dare ask about the scars of her past, in fear that the woman would jilt her without warning.

Mai was unpredictable.

Nanase could never tell what she was thinking–and it had been like that since they were in high school. When they were younger, whether it was due to the fear of being ignored or hated, they barely spoke with each other as they crossed paths with each other. Pretending that the other didn’t exist became a part of their daily routine as they happened to share friends in the same circle.

It would be years later, when Nanase was working at a high level agency for marketing, that she came across the older woman by chance. Her brows furrowed as she squinted at the sight of a woman in a long dark coat and black heels, waiting at the curb for a cab or someone. As she got closer, she realized then who it was.

The distinguishable mature expression which lingered on the older woman even after years later, had caused her to cease everything that was running in her mind at that moment. She took the chance to impulsively drive towards her, and rolled down the car windows.

“Are you Shiraishi Mai?” She asked without thinking–she realized that she may have sounded like a creep by suddenly appearing without warning.

However, Mai did recognize her after all–her eyebrows had furrowed just for a second before something had clicked in her mind, and pointed at Nanase with an expressive face of surprise.

“…Could you be Nishino Nanase?”

It was a very odd moment as they weren’t as friendly nor interactive during those teenage years, yet here they were–sitting in Nanase’s car as they were driving to Mai’s workplace.

Nanase wondered what the older woman’s job was–Mai hadn’t given her a hint as she followed driving instructions from her. At first thought, she expected her to be a fashion model of some sort, as she was well aware that Mai’s physical features were certainly suited for that type of industry.

However, she wasn’t–and that was what made her confused about everything she knew and learned about the older woman since high school from a distance.

“We’re here,” Mai declares as she steps out of Nanase’s car–the younger woman follows along, only to see that there was nothing but a bar in front of them. Looking at the purple neon signboards, the words _Purple Party People _shone brightly before her eyes.

“You…work here?” Nanase asks cautiously, as of to not sound rude about the place that they were standing in front of. It was only this type of businesses that usually sat on this side of the city–a red light district. Neon lights lit up the streets, providing a gleam of shine for the incoming cars and passerby that were on their way somewhere.

“Of course I do.” Mai gives her a curt nod, before turning away from Nanase and walked straight towards the doors to the club.

“Y-You’re kidding, right?” Nanase asks, though there isn’t any response coming from the older woman, quickly getting out of her car and follows along.

“No.”

Mai shakes her head one last time, pulling away from Nanase’s grip and walked inside without looking back.

Stunned, Nanase stood there as if she were bracing herself for the worst.

She took a deep breath before deciding that she had nothing to lose–perhaps this could be the first step to finding out what went on in the mind of the brunette woman, who had already wrapped her finger around her since the beginning.

“…_ah_.”

Nanase’s mouth was agape as she stood awkwardly in the receptionist floor, unsure where to go as Mai went through the back door.

‘_Only employees and business personnel can enter here_,’ Mai told her as she swiftly shut the backdoor close, leaving Nanase standing there without another word.

Nanase fidgeted with her car keys until the receptionist finally spoke up.

“Excuse me, are you waiting to make an reservation or would you like to enter the main floor?”

Nanase cleared her throat that had been dried for a moment, “Ah–I’d like to enter the main floor.”

“Please sign this form and pay the monthly fees for the membership.”

“W-What?” Nanase looks down at the clipboard that was handed to her, and realizes that Mai’s work, was something more than she had imagined it to be.

She’s okay with spending her money and time for her. Maybe there was something she was expecting from her, despite knowing that there would be a low chance of it happening any time soon.

“Here’s my card.” Nanase hands her credit card to her. The receptionist gives her a smile before pointing to her wrist and hands her a wrist band.

“This is to identify your status and membership to this club. Welcome to _Purple Party People_.”

“T-Thank you?” Nanase shoots an awkward smile to her before being ushered into the main floor–which she supposedly paid monthly membership for.

Could she see Mai here? Nanase winced as she was met with an sudden explosive boom of dance music and noisy voices from patrons that were dancing and drinking in the club.

Her eyes widened as she noticed there was a stripper pole–several of them on the stage.

_Could it be?_

Nanase gulped slightly as she looked around to find a place for herself to merge into, hoping that she wouldn’t attract any attention from any of the patrons or the women that were walking around seductively, as if they were searching for a prey to siphon money from.

“I see that you’re here,” a familiar voice whispers seductively from behind Nanase’s ears, causing her to feel a ripple of goosebumps throughout her torso and arms.

“S-Shiraishi-san.” Nanase stutters as she turned her head to face the woman–Mai was wearing see-through clothing, like a veil–her breasts that sat comfortably in the black laced bra and her curves were well-defined along with her honey thighs.

Nanase couldn’t believe what she was seeing at that moment, pursing her lips. She glanced up at Mai to see that her make up was much more…enchanting. Her red lips and beauty mark, mascara and hair that was twirled voluminously to the gods–Nanase would have thought she was in heaven.

Or hell.

Mai’s hand lifted up to Nanase’s chin, her fingers slowly trailing along her jaw before leaning down as if she were commanding her to lean forward for a kiss.

Nanase closed her eyes without thinking but suddenly felt the warmth move away from her. The loss of Mai’s touch had caused her to open them and see that the woman was already making her way to the stage.

What was this wave of disappointment? Nanase felt as if her heart had been crushed, unable to breathe as Mai’s presence on the stage caused the music to fade out and cheers roaring from the patrons at that moment.

Nanase knew then, as Mai had clamored onto the stripper pole then, that she had already fallen into her trap.

Whatever it takes and wherever it is, Nanase knew then that she was not backing down any time soon.

-

“You’ve been sitting in the corner for hours waiting for me?”

Mai eyes the shorter figure that was waiting for her from the backdoor, as if she were her chauffeur or something.

“Um…yeah. I didn’t know what else to do.” Nanase shyly admits, she wouldn’t dare drink as she was hoping to take the chance of driving Mai back home or somewhere after she was done with work.

“You don’t have anything to do tomorrow? Like…work?” Mai arches a brow as Nanase shakes her head.

“It’s my day off. And I can work from my place as well, it’s very flexible for me.” Nanase gives her a small smile as Mai turns her head away from her at that moment.

“Well, you don’t mind if I crash at your place–do you?”

Nanase freezes at that moment, wondering if she heard wrong.

The Shiraishi Mai, that was dancing on a stripper pole just minutes ago, was asking her to bring her back to her place?

The same woman that used to go to the same high school with her–who was well-known through out the school, yet rarely spoke to during that time period.

Nanase gave a swift shake of the head and quickly opened her car door for Mai.

“I don’t mind.”

Mai stares at Nanase for a few seconds before giving her a quick smile, wide enough that it would cause the younger woman to freeze in her movements again.

Nanase knows that something was happening in her brain as it whirled after watching Mai enter her car–it was the calamity before the storm.

-

“Do you want to eat something?” Nanase asks hesitantly, she knows that the older woman has been working in the club the entire time. She has seen how Mai’s hands easily grasp onto the metal pole as if it were a part of her body. How her legs and joints interlock as she moves freely in the air.

Nanase was filled with nothing but admiration then, as Mai gave her a furrowed look, tapping her chin with her index finger as if she were in deep thought.

“Hmm, do you have anything in your fridge that I can use to cook?” She watches Nanase shake her head, with an embarrassed look on her face.

“I…don’t cook that much. I buy from outside most of the time.”

“Oh really.” Mai sighs as she turns away from the latter, as if she could tell that Nanase might have freaked out a little from having her amateurish and sloppy habits exposed without warning.

Mai really doesn’t care though, as she’s rather amused that Nanase was much more easier to know now–under the circumstances of them being adults now.

Things were certainly easier back then, so they didn’t bother interacting and felt it was for the best for some reason.

But that reason no longer existed–or rather, never existed in the first place. She wonders what was holding them back–or rather, why Nanase never approached her in the first place.

Mai watches Nanase drive quietly, as if she were in deep thought–forgetting that she was sharing her personal space with her now.

“You haven’t changed that much.” Mai breaks the silence, as if she was displeased with the attention that the younger woman was not giving. Nanase quickly snaps her head at the snarky remark.

“Huh?”

Nanase furrows her brows in confusion. She definitely has changed in some aspects. However for those parts that hasn’t changed, she probably can’t tell. As for Mai–there are many things that have.

“That’s okay though, we’ve never really talked back then so I can’t really presume that you’ve changed here or there anyways.” Mai sighs, before noticing that they were possibly arriving at Nanase’s place.

“Not bad,” Mai curtly says as she steps out to take a better look at the landscape that Nanase lived on. “Do you live with your parents or something? This is a pretty large apartment complex.”

“No. I own it–well, pretty much bought it with my own money.” Nanase proudly states, though she knows she rarely ever boasts about her self-achievements or even flaunts it. It’s only now that she starts seeing some parts of herself that unconsciously appear without warning.

She can feel herself heating up in the face as she realizes that Mai was arching a brow at her sudden confident response.

“You’re quite something, aren’t you.” Mai smiles then as Nanase hurries to open the doors for her–wanting to make sure that she wouldn’t get cold from standing outside in the chilly air too long.

“Nothing in your fridge, but all this furniture and rooms…this is almost comical. What would you do if you had guests over and there wasn’t any delivery service around?”

Mai makes a jab at the latter’s inconsistency, before turning around to face her with a mysterious smile.

“We’ll just whip up something you have here.” She points to the ramen packages sitting on the counter and takes out a few eggs along with some cheese.

“This will do.”

It was only then, when Nanase realized that she should have been better prepared. Or rather, more responsible for herself and the people around her. Maybe this is what Mai was referring to–some things about her that hadn’t changed since high school.

_Fuck._

She shoots Mai an awkward chuckle before lending a hand to her, making sure that she wouldn’t be a nuisance in the kitchen area.

-

“Itadakimasu!” Mai clasps her hands as Nanase does the same, though she hasn’t really said it in years after she started living alone.

It was an odd feeling, eating with the popular girl from high school who was working at the strip club–and still in demand as the time went by.

Nanase smiled nonetheless. She certainly liked Mai more than she originally thought–and believed that something good could come out of their current relationship.

Mai stares at Nanase who eats the ramen with ease, wondering why the younger woman would let her guard down so much around her. There was certainly a difference between her and Nanase–and how they treated people around them.

Mai’s workplace was like a jungle for predators to hunt in. In the eyes of the guests and patrons, she appeared as if she was easy prey to lust for, but in reality-she was the true predator.

A tigress that was waiting to sink her fangs onto her meal for as long as she could, squeezing them out to the very last drop of blood. She charmed her guests with ease by selling her touches and words filled with lies, making them empty their wallets and hearts, pouring out their most inner thoughts to her without a verbal word of connotation. Her charms and beauty worked on her guests like magic. With the snap of her fingers, the stream of cash constantly flowed in without stepping out of her comfort zone.

Mai knew then, that Nanase wasn’t any exceptions to any of what was just mentioned. There was just something different from the other guests at her work–this woman carried innocence in her mannerisms, despite her current social standing and someone she hadn't ever made contact with before. It was a rare treat for her.

She pursed her lips then, as Nanase had finished eating and glanced at her bowl of ramen which was barely touched.

“Uh, is the ramen not good?” Nanase asked, an expression evidently showing that she was worried that Mai wasn’t really feeling the instant noodles.

“No, I was just thinking.” Mai smiles as she can tell that Nanase had felt a sense of relief then, even without physically showing her it.

Nanase was…easy to read in some ways. Mai continued to eat, pretending to be oblivious to Nanase’s constant glances at her as the tv was switched on, with the news airing at the moment.

“I don’t really watch tv.” Mai states, as if she was bored at that moment. Nanase hears her curt comment and nods in agreement.

“I actually haven’t turned on this tv in months so I don’t know what’s going on now either.” Nanase admits, though she knows that she only gets her news from her phone nowadays, along with short clips of videos. It’s not too bad for her, though Mai only gives her the silent treatment then.

Nanase wonders if she has done anything wrong when Mai suddenly stands up and starts picking up their empty bowls and eating utensils, as if she was already done and on her way out.

“I’ll wash the dishes. Just go wash up or something, it’s the least I can do if you’re generous enough to let me stay over for the night.” Mai says without warning, as if she was keeping Nanase away from her at a distance.

Nanase obediently follows as she says, since there was an year gap between them–it would be disrespectful to insist on helping her or argue even, since she was practically her senior.

“Okay. I’ll get you some clothes too when you’re ready to shower too.” Nanase hurriedly moves as she doesn’t want to take too long, nor make the older woman wait.

-

It’s only when Nanase sees Mai walking out of the bathroom, that it hits her that this was happening. It’s not a dream, she knows as Mai gives her a small smile–seemingly different from before as her face had been stripped of its’ heavy makeup.

Even then, Nanase could see that Mai’s bare face was still beautiful. How could God let a human being–a woman ooze of charisma even when she was just merely standing there? She watches as Mai looks at her with a mysterious smile.

“Oh? We’re sharing a bed?”

“N-No,” Nanase shakes her head, as if she had been struck down without even suggesting such an option. Why would Mai even want to share a bed with her in the first place? She gets onto her feet and shows the older woman to the spare guest room that she kept clean once in a while.

Mai suddenly points out something to her along the way.

“Actually, your bed looks more comfortable. Can we switch places instead?”

Nanase was caught off guard for the nth time–she can’t ever read the thoughts nor body language of the older woman.

Maybe that was their differences–Mai definitely had the upper hand here, despite being a guest and sleeping over, all that.

Why did this make her slightly angry, though? Nanase quickly tried to shake it off, reasoning that it was due to Mai’s work and lived experiences. They lived completely different lives, yet managed to weave into each other’s paths after all these years.

Maybe this meant something.

Nanase watches the door to her room shut close after Mai bids a goodnight’s sleep to her.

Or maybe not.

-

Nanase wakes up with ease, despite sleeping in the guestroom for the first time after she moved in this apartment complex. The bed was certainly comfortable, surely more than hers–so why would Mai prefer to sleep in her room instead?

It wasn’t like she had anything to hide nor leave out in the open to be embarrassed or humiliated for.

She knocks on her bedroom door for a few seconds, yet to receive a response when she decides to at least take a peek at Mai who was still sleeping.

The only thing that she didn’t expect, was the missing presence on her bed.

Mai wasn’t there.

-

Nanase looks at her wristwatch, waiting for someone at the local cafe near her workplace.

“Hi Naachan!”

Takayama Kazumi appears from behind her, holding up her briefcase as she makes her way to the seat on the other side of the table.

“Hey Kaz,” Nanase greets, noticeably a few seconds late as Kazumi is already holding the lunch menu and ordering a few dishes and appetizers.

“How’s the progress on your self-made project going so far?” Kazumi turns her attention back to the latter who gives her a curt nod.

“…It’s okay. It just feels like something is lacking–but I can’t pinpoint it for some reason.”

“Send me the file later, I’ll take a look at it and see what I can suggest for you to change or adjust. Is that fine with you?” Kazumi asks, as if Nanase hadn’t approved of her suggestion just now.

“Yeah, that’s okay.” Nanase replies, again slightly delayed. Kazumi quickly catches notice of it and quickly holds her palm against Nanase’s forehead,

“Okay…no fever or whatsoever. Naachan, is something bothering you?” Kazumi asks bluntly, knowing that was what Nanase wanted her to talk like instead of beating around the bush.

“Uh...not really.” Nanase gives her a half-lie as she wasn’t exactly worried about Mai but at the same time, she was bothered by how the older woman never contacted her afterwards.

She did know where Mai would be–it was just a _her_ issue, if she had the confidence to go back to the club and ask for her contact information. It was that simple, she knew.

So why didn’t she want to go back? Was it okay for her to just abruptly cease all contact with her, despite encountering Mai after years later?

“Naachan, just go back home and get some sleep or something. You’re not even listening to anything I’m saying right now, I bet.” Kazumi mutters in annoyance, though Nanase has just snapped her attention back to her then.

“Sorry Kaz, I think I will. I’ll let you know when I’m done and ready for you to check my project progress later.” Nanase gives her an apologetic expression as Kazumi shrugs and gives her a pat on the shoulder.

“I hope you can get out of this slump that you’re having right now. Bye Naachan.”

“See you, Kaz.” Nanase waves as she heads back to her car and drives back home. She thinks to herself, that maybe she could sleep it off. Just for a few days, and she’ll be good as new–as if Mai had never came over and slept on her _bed_ last night.

She groans to herself as she decides to drag her personal belongings to the guest room and decides to lounge around there until the smell of Mai’s body scent disappears.

Nanase is about to doze off after changing into her pajamas and a quick face wash when she hears her doorbell ringing.

It might’ve been Kazumi dropping by about something earlier, she thinks before opening the door–only to be met with the sight of Mai with a fur coat and party dress–her makeup slightly different from yesterday’s.

“Huh?” She notices the bags of groceries in her hands, quickly being stowed into her arms as Mai steps in as if she lived in her apartment all this time.

Nanase doesn’t actually mind, as she’s rather happy that Mai is back again–if it’s temporary or for good, she doesn’t know. But what she knows is that Mai is here and she certainly didn’t have the intentions of leaving her without notice.

-

Mai watches Nanase eat her homemade dishes–deep fried bitter melon, chicken kaarage, collard greens and a mean steak.

“Really good. You’re a great cook, Shiraishi-san.” Nanase compliments her when Mai decides to come forward with her.

“Thanks. Are you not curious why I’m here again? I could have just left and never come back, you know.”

“But you did.” Nanase shoots her a small smile.

“I was just saying, but whatever.”

Mai rolls her eyes as she stood up, her palm facing the table as she announced that she was going to take a shower and that Nanase could leave the empty dishes in the sink when she was done eating.

“Not a crumb left on these plates when I’m done, okay? I hate people who leave behind leftovers.” Mai orders as Nanase nods furiously, “–I’m kidding, but whatever. It would be nice if you did.” She smiles at Nanase’s rigid attitude, it was like she was training a special ops dog or something.

Nanase was something. The way her expression was pained for a second when she had opened the door and saw her, which changed to a face of pure bliss.

She was going to be easy to control from here, Mai smirked as she went off to shower.

-

Nanase thinks that it’s a great way to end the night when she notices a figure standing by her temporary bedroom, seeing that Mai was waiting for her.

“Is there something you need–?” Nanase asks as Mai points to her bedroom, “What is it?”

“Can we share a bed tonight? I’m not really feeling well today.” Mai asks, quickly receiving a nod of approval from Nanase.

“Well, let’s sleep in…which bed is bigger?” Mai says before Nanase can respond, she responds to her own question.

“Ah, I see. Let’s go to yours instead.” Mai says, pulling Nanase along as she couldn’t tell what the older woman was thinking–she was about to say that the guest room’s bed was bigger yet Mai went the opposite way.

“Nanase, don’t you have anything you want to ask me? Don’t be scared to say what you think–I’m used to receiving even backhanded compliments from jealous women at work.” Mai asks, even though Nanase was about to close the lights and call it a day.

“Well…why did you start working there? Out of all these places to work at–you chose a club?” Nanase asks as she was told, not to hold back.

There was many things that was swarming her mind in that moment. Mai’s impulsive actions and free-spirited personality, was incomprehensible for Nanase.

“Why not? It’s none of your business.” Mai snaps, though she knew that Nanase was genuinely curious. “It’s just a place for me to have fun and earn easy money. Isn’t that a good enough answer for you?”

“…I see.”

Nanase felt somewhat unsatisfied–Mai certainly had the knowledge and ability to go farther and higher. But for her to end up in a strip club of all places–she couldn’t believe that this would be where she’d end up.

But what could she do about it?

Nothing.

There was one thing that bothered her from the back of her head during the past two days.

Why did Mai willingly choose to get into her car and have her sleep at her place, coming by as if she was perfectly fine to sleep over whenever she liked. Does that mean she should prepare an extra set of house keys for her?

Nanase felt unease with herself then, as Mai was lying right beside her.

“Anything else that you want to ask me?”

Mai’s voice surprises her as she can tell that the woman was probably facing her. Nanase thinks that she shouldn’t pry any further–maybe it was best to wait it out.

Wait for Mai to tell her all sorts of things about herself without having to ask her.

That was probably what she really wanted. For Mai to feel congenial about staying beside her and talk as if there wasn’t an invisible barrier between them, constricting them from stepping out of their comfort zones.

“No. Goodnight, Shiraishi-san.” Nanase thinks that she shouldn’t push her luck now–perhaps she was setting herself up for failure.

“Goodnight.”

Mai only says the same to her, and turns away to face the other side of her bed.

There was another thing that bothered Nanase–how Mai has never referred to her by her name once after they encountered each other the other day. It was a sign, perhaps for her to know her place.

Nanase gripped onto her blanket sheets tightly, after being hit with the realization that Mai was probably just using her.

_She is in that type of place after all. It’s a blood thirsty world._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nanase already a shooter for maiyan ayyy


	2. Wanderlust

For the next few days, it becomes a routine for Nanase to find herself greeted by an empty bed, and for Mai to drop by whenever she felt like it.

Why, might you ask about Nanase being reluctant to confront Mai about it? Because she did–and she failed.

Only a few days ago, did she manage to find herself awake just in time to see that Mai was leaving. She could hear Mai’s footsteps, peeking at the view in front of her–the older woman was in the middle of getting dressed before heading into the bathroom, which the door was shut close followed by the sound of it being locked.

Nanase was glued to her bed, unable to move as if a frozen spell was cast on her in the fear of the latter finding out that she was awake. There was an uneasy feeling building up in her stomach as she laid there–struck with the options of letting Mai do as she wanted, or to confront her.

Nanase didn’t want to feel as if she was being taken advantage of–if she couldn’t move forward from this cycle of Mai coming in and out, it would become endless with no where for her to go. She was allowed to be selfish this once.

Why was Mai doing this, she wondered before hearing the sound of the bathroom door unlock and open with a creak, followed by the dim lights shutting off.

Mai could hear footsteps approaching her, as she was on her way out. She was fully aware that the younger woman was tailing after her.

“…Where are you going?” She hears her question, though Mai ignores her and continues to move on.

There was a queasy feeling stirring up in Nanase’s stomach as she knows not to pry any future. But just this once–she wanted to bypass the impenetrable barrier surrounding the brunette.

“Shiraishi-san?”

Mai was about to remove her leather shoulder bag and fur coat off the clothing rack by the door, her hand reaching towards the doorknob when something fell out of her coat’s pocket with a loud thud.

Nanase’s eyes squinted to make out the shape of the object, soon being wide eyed as she was able to recognize it.

A Glock 26.

“–Oops.”

Mai picks up her pocket gun off the floor and without blinking an eye, pointed it at Nanase–whose hands quickly rose up in the air. The brunette could see that her eyes were unable to look away from the gun barrel in front of her face.

“…Do you ever think of dying?”

Mai asks her, the glock in her hand unwavering as she kept it aimed towards the shorter haired woman. She set off the safety, which could be heard loud and clear in the silent space shared between the two.

Nanase felt her shoulders tense up and shook her head rigorously, she could feel her blood rush into her head, her heart thumping rapidly against her chest.

_Dying?_ Why would she think of_ that_ right now?

“What you feel right now–” Mai pulls the gun away from Nanase’s direction, and to the side of her temple, causing the younger woman to quickly shout right at that moment.

“–_Stop!_”

Nanase swore that her heart rate had never soared so high in her life before–the rush of adrenaline was pumping through out her body as Mai arched a brow at the latter’s expression of extreme panic.

“You’re so funny. Relax–”

She finally moved the gun away from her head, ejecting the magazine and poured them onto the ground before tossing the empty clip and glock at Nanase’s feet. It landed with a loud thud on the hardwood floor.

“–There’s no ammo in it now.”

The simple statement was enough to let Nanase breathe a sigh of relief to herself as Mai walked away from her and left the apartment.

Her eyes looked down at the gun and that was sitting by her feet, before reluctantly picking it up. Her hands were trembling hard as she was still stunned by Mai’s sudden change of behavior.

_All because she wanted to know where she was going._

It was heavy in her hand upon holding it up in her palm. It was _real_.

Nanase knew then, that Mai was not normal.

Mai always put up a impeccable front around her–even now, after spending the past few days with her, it seemed like she was refusing to give Nanase a chance.

A chance to get a glimpse of the storm that was stirring up in Mai’s mind everyday, refusing to set her free from her vicious nightmares.

_But why?_

There had to be something out there for her.

_-_

“Hey,” Mai spots a familiar face walking towards her. A short haired woman in a white coat and grey scrubs, holding a clipboard with a stethoscope draped around her neck, namely _Hashimoto Nanami_.

“Here for your daily check up?” Nanami asks, her heels clicking against the sleek pavement in the city’s largest hospital.

“Of course. It’s mandatory…because of you.” Mai lets out a huff as the younger woman shakes her head from the response that the brunette was giving her.

Nanami was deeply concerned for her health after what happened from a few years ago. She knew that Mai was in better shape as she was able to pick herself up–but her desire to live wasn’t the same as before.

At that time, Nanami was still studying in medical school, quickly climbing the ropes as she was acknowledged by her peers and seniors alike for her ability to adapt and learn from supervised practices and experience. Becoming a certified hospital physician wasn’t an easy feat in short time.

Nanami’s interest in the medical field stemmed from her parents’ pressure–she managed to be one of the few who actually enjoyed the work aside from the superb fixed salary and bonus package on the side.

During her time in college and medical school, Nanami originally kept to herself and studied vigorously, passing her exams and tests, eventually leading to her first board certification.

It was important for people who wanted to achieve success to reach all three points in higher education: study hard, work/interning and socialize. Nanami was well-rounded enough to match each criteria.

She knew that everyone experienced life obstacles differently–witnessing the death of a friend who suffered from over-studying in her dorm, drastically changed her perspective of what a doctor was supposed to be.

She wanted to be someone who would support and help not only her patients’ physical state but at least lend a hand out for their psychological issues surrounding their life styles. To others, it seemed like she was being humble–but she saw what she was doing at most, to be human.

The worldly observer would be a fitting nickname for her. It was not that she was putting herself up to play god for the people around her, but as a down-to-earth mediator.

Nanami notices a few spots of light discoloration on the side of Mai’s wrist before she turns it away from the younger woman’s view.

_Not again_, she sighs to herself as she lifts up her clipboard to lightly smack it against the crown of Mai’s head.

“You’d better cut it _now_.”

Mai holds onto the clipboard and pulls it away from her head as she shakes her head in amusement.

“What do you think it is, _Dr. Hashimoto?_” Mai teases the younger woman–she knows better than to tick her off at this moment.

Nanami rolls her eyes as she ushers the woman to scoot over on the bench and make space for her to sit down beside her.

_Self-harm._

“Aren’t you still seeing Matsumura-san?”

Nanami thought that Mai’s unique relationship with Sayuri Matsumura could allow her to increase her emotional processing ability.

“No? We broke up.” Mai snorts at Nanami’s concerns with her social life.

“What happened?”

Nanami watches Mai give her a shoulder shrug, seemingly unfazed at the comment.

“Sayuri’s grandfather was quite a sight if you ask me. He’s senile.”

Nanami furrows her brows as she knew what Mai was referring to–Sayuri’s grandfather was one of the world’s biggest leaders and influences to pioneering international transportation of goods through the world wide web, now known as the internet.

Of course, the general public’s knowledge about his heart attack went unknown as a select few trustworthy and well-qualified doctors were able to keep him under watch as he was slowly recovering from the shock.

The cause of the heart attack which only Mai and a few others knew of, happened when Sayuri was caught in the middle of her sexual escapade with Mai–her secretary being unable to warn the heiress of the surprise visit from her grandfather at that moment.

“Sayuringo! Your favorite granddaddy is here to see you–!” He exclaimed at once, barging through the doors with a giddy smile on his face.

In that dire second of booming through the doors of Sayuri’s personal office, he was already clutching his chest at the sight of a woman–namely Mai leaning over to press her lips against Sayuri, who was evidently seen in the middle of unbuttoning her blouse.

“What are you doing?!”

In the middle of the heat, Sayuri impulsively thought up of an attempt to sabotage herself from her responsibilities as a heir by declaring that she was willing to be disowned if she couldn’t be with Mai.

She was aware of the risks and knew that the impending consequences would snowball on her. But in her mind, nothing else mattered when Mai was there for her.

Thankfully, he was already out unconscious so that possible downhill route was out the window–Sayuri had to call her secretary for an emergency vehicle and immediately get their private family doctors.

Mai snorted at the sight as she shook her head as everything went by in a flash, ending up with Sayuri looking at her with a solemn expression.

“It’s best if we stop seeing each other–grandfather’s health is the first priority for us.” _Us_–meaning that blood is thicker than water for her.

Sayuri smiled at her then, though Mai knew that it was forced.

“If you ever need me…then give me a call, okay?” Mai offered, knowing that it was the least she could do to comfort the latter as an outsider. Messing around with a conglomerate heiress was bound to have heavy consequences, after all.

Once her grandfather was conscious again, he began to ask about her future potential spouse’s background and upbringing but Sayuri kept mum for a while as she knew that he would probably croak if she mentioned about the brunette being a stripper. The only thing she did try to mention, was that Mai was loaded to a T and that he didn’t need to worry.

But it was too late–she had already decided to cut off her ties to Mai.

Sayuri opens the profile that had been laid in front of her desk–a picture of a woman sitting in a upright and modest posture, the smile on her face revealing a strong, authoritative appearance. Sayuri hates arranged marriages, but is powerless to go against her grandfather's orders in the end.

Trailing her index finger under the picture, she read the name labeled under the picture.

_Ikuta Erika._

-

Nanami glances at her wristwatch as she notices that it’s almost time for her to get going.

Just as she was about to bid her farewells to Mai, she spotted her new nursing intern on her way to her.

Mai quickly follows Nanami’s line of sight and lets out a smirk upon seeing the nameless nurse, wearing the official nurse uniform.

“She’s cute–your little _assistant?_” She asks, with a hint of interest.

Nanami snorts as she gets onto her feet, turning her head to Mai before she’d let the nurse hear their conversation.

“You better keep your hands to yourself.”

Mai arches a brow as she eyes the nurse that greeted Nanami in time, before bowing her head to the doctor as well. She managed to read the name badge on the nurse’s uniform.

_Saito Asuka._

Her lips formed into a smile then, as Nanami picked up the medical file from Asuka’s hand, giving her a small nod of gratitude.

There was a special patient that she was required to keep an eye on from the higher ups in the hospital–the daughter of a leading head of an IT company based in California.

_Ikuta Erika_, was the name.

“Thank you. We should monitor Ikuta-san’s condition and you’ll perform the usual routine of procedures and such.”

The nurse then greets Mai after noticing that the young doctor was possibly chatting with her just now.

“…Should you really be saying that to _me?_”

Nanami rolls her eyes as she finally walks away from Mai, before tilting her head in the direction of their patient’s room on the floor above them.

“Let’s go, Saito.”

Mai watches as Nanami leaves with the nurse scurrying after her, holding the clipboard that was handed to her as they were heading towards the elevators.

Nanami could sense Mai’s eyes on her back from the moment she turned away, with Asuka tagging along–an curious expression evidently shown on her face.

_Things could easily be solved if she learned to forgive herself. But that isn’t happening any time soon._

“Was that one of your friends, Dr. Hashimoto?”

Nanami gives her a curt nod.

“She also happens to be one of my patients.”

Asuka looks at her with furrowed brows then, gripping the clipboard tightly to her chest at that moment.

“I see.”

-

Nanase can feel Mai’s hands slide against the back of her waist as she walks past her, the last of her slender fingertips leaving her as she walks by her to greet other guests.

Nanase’s hand consciously itched to reach for Mai’s wrist, wanting to stop her from walking another step away.

There shouldn’t be a feeling of loss for Nanase–as the inside of the club is a world that belongs to Mai and only _her_. Nanase enjoys basking in her presence and like the others around her–craved more than they could hopelessly wish for.

Her eyes never leave Mai’s back as she watches Mai entertain other guests, her legs gliding on the pole and arms spread out as she spins with ease, her well-defined collarbones that was outlined by the shadows of the dimmed neon lights, her slender, curvy hips and devilish smirks taunting the eyes of the onlookers.

If there is something that catches Nanase’s eyes, she’ll do her all to grab onto it and stubbornly keep it from escaping. Whether it’s a insect like a butterfly or a bird–she’ll trap it and refuse to let go, even after it died.

Sensation is something that Nanase enjoys most–it was what she desired in a relationship, but greatly feared that it would let her get carried away. To harbor attachment to someone was very dangerous for herself.

The younger woman was self-aware of herself–knowing that people objectified her, there were moments of anxiousness and the need to be honest–only on the surface.

With no doubt, Nanase learned to protect herself by feigning honesty while hiding the third face that she herself knew was the only truth that mattered most. The face that secretly craved for touch.

For the first time in her life, there was nothing more tempting than to get her hands on someone that was embodying everything she desired in a person–physically.

Nanase knows that Mai doesn’t chase people. People chase after her–and luckily for her, Nanase happens to be a chaser as well. Sure enough, she has had her fair share of pursuers and courters, but Nanase has never chased after people–unless she happened to be enraptured by a divine godly figure who destroyed all corners of normalcy.

Her hands clenched tightly before deciding to break away from Mai in her line of sight. Instead of waiting around, she finally decides leave–knowing that Mai would never look her way unless she forced her.

Wishful thinking and repetition of Mai coming in and out of her life is something she needed to put a stop to.

-

Nanase sees things differently than others. Her interests were broad–especially in art.

She enjoyed drawing and expressing herself in unique ways–perhaps having been purposefully isolated from her classmates and being treated as an outsider had its’ perks. She disliked having to pretend to put up a facade when she was forced to work with her classmates and coworkers.

Having “friends” was something she never really desired or thought as a necessity–caused by her independence and stubbornness to conform. As a result–her feelings became numb to things that were considered common sense.

As dangerous as her independent thoughts and expressions were, that gave her the opportunity to explore things further than what was considered beyond normal means. The freedom from being stuck with a circle jerk of people and society as a whole. Her concept and of desire became strikingly different than the standard--which she wasn’t considered an outlier in.

-

Nanase watches as the bare chest of a woman heavily heaves in front of her, carefully holding a soft wax candle that dripped onto her lower abdomen. Blindfolded, handcuffed and restricted from any further movements–stripped of her sensations, except for Nanase’s touch.

“…Hmm.”

Nanase could see that the woman was enjoying her slow torture–how she let out a soft moan after using her index finger to spread the wax downwards–towards the gap between her legs.

To Nanase, love is nothing.

Nothing lasts forever.

Her mood soured quickly as she was no longer interested in continuing to melt wax candles on the woman lying on the hotel bed in front of her. Nanase had to admit that she had a nice body, but it didn’t keep her entertained for long. Bodies are beautiful in their own ways, sacred and expressive in the physical sense-Nanase wound up getting swept away by one that could not belong to anyone.

“Let’s end it here.”

She removed the woman’s blindfold, yet paused when it came to removing the handcuffs on the latter’s wrists.

Instead, Nanase’s interests had drifted in the opposite direction of what she was expected to do.

She slowly extended her hands, wrapping them around the woman’s neck, before tightening her grip as she watched her struggle. She could feel the woman’s pulse throbbing against her palms as she kept gripping harder by the second. Her eyes that were slowly starting to appear hazy-Nanase smirked to herself.

“…Do you ever think of dying?”

She asks the woman, watching how the corner of her eyes started watering, turning red and staring back at her. Nanase sensed the woman’s arms and legs trying to resist her hold on her before releasing her grip.

“What kind of sick joke was _that?!_” The woman coughs, while angrily looking at her. Nanase shrugs as she turns away, unrolling her sleeves as she had lost interest in the woman.

“Nothing. Thought you’d like to try something new?”

The woman rolled her eyes at the latter’s half-assed response.

“Well, I hated it then.”

Nanase lets out a smile then, causing the woman to scowl before wanting to leave as she had ruined the mood of their whole session.

“Good to know.”

The woman scoffs as she watched Nanase straighten up her shirt, as if she hadn’t attempted to intentionally suffocate her to death just now.

“You’re crazy.”

Nanase ignored her remark, before reaching down to pick up the clothes that were previously on the floor and threw it at the woman, who was now bewildered at the sudden change of behavior from the shorter haired woman.

"Get out! I don't ever want to see you again."

Nanase turned her attention to the sound of the clock ticking as she would rather do something else–especially what had been stirring unconsciously in the back of her mind since she'd left the club barely hours ago.

The thought of choking Mai was running rampant in her mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> too dark and creepy for some of you readers? lmao


End file.
